For the past couple of days I've been reading some past blogs of mine and each one brought back so many memories, so much emotions.
I've come to realize that I've written more of the times I was down, troubled, sad, lonely, angry and confused than those moments in my life that I've felt happy, excited or overjoyed.
This got me to thinking... was I so miserable then that I could only write about those things OR did I feel like I couldn't pour these moments out to anyone which is why I've written them down instead?
Either way, it's saddening... I'm just glad I didn't go crazy (well, I'm a bit crazy but who isn't, right?) from keeping so much inside.
Honestly, I still keep a lot of things bottled up. Their are just some things that you don't share. Things that are so much a part of you that sharing even a bit of it feels like you're slicing a part of yourself off and offering it up to a stranger.
Then their are matters that you would like to share but afraid to because; 1. You know, for certain, that you'd be judged because of it, 2. There is the possibility that no one understands, or 3. They just won't listen.
Oh well! Let's leave those saddening thoughts behind, shall we...
So yes, after reading my past blogs I've come to realize a lot of things. How I've changed. How my thoughts have changed. How my writing has changed.
I don't think I'm the same emotional bundle. Though I am easily brought to tears I know that I have matured enough to hold my emotions in check during critical moments.
I've learned to show one type of emotion on my face when I'm actually feeling the exact opposite. I've learned to smile when all i want to do was scream and shout. I've remained stoic when all i wanted to do was cry.
I guess this discipline has been an improvement.
Being too emotional can't be all that good.
I've learned to speak up more. I've learned to handle things on my own. I've learned to care for myself (more or less). I've learned how to work through stress. I'm still learning to control my impulsiveness. I've become even more active now... etc.
I could go on and on but I cannot change everything. I cannot change how I am as a person - how I hate hurting others, how I love travelling. I still love reading and writing. Still love watching cartoons and anime (will never give this up). How I still can't take watching horror films in the movies but too curious enough to try watching it at home with someone and a pillow. How I much prefer learning martials arts and planning to take up knife and gun classes rather than go shopping for clothes and shoes (though i do go shopping from time to time). How I prefer playing games to watching soaps, etc.
I can go on and on enumerating these things but the point is that I love seeing how much I've changed but I also enjoy knowing that I kept a lot of who I am. It just shows how I've improved parts of me that needs to be improved and how I've kept the things that makes me - me.
Also, isn't it proof that I've survived all those past hardships?
Makes me just feel so proud of myself :)
